Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 – circa 1914) was an American short story writer, journalist, poet, and Civil War veteran.
Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be.
OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor.
NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.
REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is suppose
ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
Worms'-Meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away. " Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.
A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.