Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 – circa 1914) was an American short story writer, journalist, poet, and Civil War veteran.
Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.
LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.
We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.
MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.
PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion.
FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor person - a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately permitted to lose his case.
CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend. ".
INADMISSIBLE- Not competent to be considered. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible. . . but there is no religion in the world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence.
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.
PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.
Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure.
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.