Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 – circa 1914) was an American short story writer, journalist, poet, and Civil War veteran.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape as "One day a wag - what would the wretch be at? Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name!. . . "
MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
Achievement; the death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.
OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting
A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat.
Miss, n. A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs. ) and Mister (Mr. ) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.
PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.
resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Something that is supposed to typify or stand for something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" - as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.
PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make.
Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think that we think. Mind, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.
Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.
Opportunity: A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend. ".
INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.