His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, the Greeks run the government, and the common language is Dutch.
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
My mother was sarcastic and delightful and, trust me, quite remarkable.
We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.
Folks always look good in their coffins.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors.
To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Sarcastic Science, she would like to know, In her complacent ministry of fear, How we propose to get away from here When she has made things so we have to go Or be wiped out. Will she be asked to show Us how by rocket we may hope to steer To some star off there, say, a half light-year Through temperature of absolute zero? Why wait for Science to supply the how When any amateur can tell it now? The way to go away should be the same As fifty million years ago we came- If anyone remembers how that was I have a theory, but it hardly does.
Making others happy, through kindness of speech and sincerity of right advice, is a sign of true greatness. To hurt another soul by sarcastic words, looks, or suggestions, is despicable.
Writers are interesting people, but often mean and petty.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.