Top David Letterman Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

David Letterman Biography

David Letterman

David Michael Letterman (born April 12, 1947) is an American television host, comedian, writer, and producer. He hosted a late night television talk show for 33 years, beginning with the February 1, 1982, debut of Late Night with David Letterman on NBC, and ending with the May 20, 2015, broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman on CBS. In total, Letterman hosted 6,028 episodes of Late Night and Late Show, surpassing friend and mentor Johnny Carson as the longest-serving late night talk show host in American television history. In 1996 Letterman was ranked 45th on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Stars of All Time. In 2002, The Late Show with David Letterman was ranked seventh on TV Guide's 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time.

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David Letterman Quotes

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.

Clinton, Former, President, Running, Stay, Wife

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

Amazing, Met, President, Schwarzenegger, Think, Thinking

Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all took place in Vietnam and now it just won't go away. I was thinking about this - if John Kerry had just ducked the war like everybody else he wouldn't have this trouble.

Controversy, Going Away, John, Thinking, War

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Ask, Country, Illegal, Million, Native American, Numbers

There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.

Actually, Jobs, Office, Rumor, Surgery, Taking

Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no longer be the Governor of Alaska. First thing, she woke up and went out on her porch and waved goodbye to Russia.

Alaska, Announced, Goodbye, Longer, Russia

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

Bar, Cart, Drunk, Golf, Guy, Said

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

Anywhere, Crazy, Problem, Rights, Stink, Thinking

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Ifs, Nothing, Optimist

The CIA special unit that was searching for Osama bin Laden has been disbanded. So I guess, mission accomplished.

Disbanded, Laden, Osama Bin Laden, Searching, Special

Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul.

Clean, Desk, Rent, Strategy, Transfer, Two

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Baby, Birth, Incredible, Internet

Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.

Gay, Gays, Military, Musical, War

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

Contact, Number, Phones, Psychic, Psychics, Thinking

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

Bypass, Heart, Loss, Memories, Tomorrow, Years

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D. C. , Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again.

Big, Juggernaut, Moving, Thinking, Weekend, Won

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate. '

Kenya, Obama, Pick, President, Trump, Wife

Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"

Honey, Husband, Marriage, Mess, World, Worlds

I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.

Cinema, Eggs, Gritty, Like

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

Back, Mother, Moving, Thinking

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