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If a man loses a dear friend, he looks around and sees many friends come to console and comfort him. If a man loses his wealth, after a little thought he will realize that the delight that came from wealth will be restored by finding more. Thus he forgets his loss and is consoled. But if a man's heart is deprived of peace, where will he find it again, how will he replace it?

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Demetri Martin

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

Broccoli, Fear, Mean, Unpredictable, Villain
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

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I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude. ' 'Dude, these are isotopes. ' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine. ' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies. '

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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left. '

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Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

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