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Until I was 16, I read nothing but science fiction. I loved William Gibson and I still do. But my favourite book when I was growing up, for a long time, was 'Snow Crash' by Neal Stephenson, which I must have read about a dozen times when I was a teenager.

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Emo Philips

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Comedian, Easy, Stage, Thinking, Trying
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Fifty, Funny, Gonna, Humor, Thought, Today

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Beach, Bottles, Glasses, Sign, Thinking

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

Confident, Earth, Purpose, Taken

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

10000, Friend, Funny, Looks, Plastic, Surgery

I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

Life, Pleased, Reality, Say, Won, Wrestling
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