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Dana Gould Biography

Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.

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Dana Gould Quotes

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Coffee, Impatiently, Line, Long, Waiting

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

Art, Imitates, Intimidates, Intimidating, Life

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Hip, Hips, Hoodies, Looks, Unshaven

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

Dog, Love, Middle, Speech, Yawn

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

Entire, Leave, People, School, Waiting, Wonderful

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Closes, Doors, God, Sound, Toilets, Window

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

Fun, Girl, Kings, Liking, Movies

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

People, Praying, Tornadoes, Winning, Woman

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

After Death, Bigs, Born Again, Deal, Life, Live

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

Knife, Knives, Memories, Pumpkin, Sharp

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Alone, Hate, Mind, People

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Comedian, Way, Waitress, Felt, Waitresses

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

Entire, Experience, Oddest, Six Months, Strange, Two

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

Circus, Come, Decided, Running, Wait, Waiting

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

Adults, Past, People, School, Tragic, Usually

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

Like, Multitasking, Suicide, Think, Thinking

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

Global, Moon, Names, Super, War

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

Call, Conference, Conferences, Difficult, Headset, Tell

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

Competitively, Content, Loser, Losers, Want, Want To Be Happy

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

Fall, God, Jesus, Make, Powerful

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Dana Gould Biography

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