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It's our machines and our technologies that are now the major evolutionary forces acting upon us. It's not our political systems.

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Anthony Jeselnik

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

Hecklers, Material, People, Polite, Show, Thinking
Same Author Quotes

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Explain, Fun, People, Retarded, Say

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Cry, Girlfriend, Haircut, Upset

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Clothe, Day, Funny, Humor, School

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

Bird, Cool, Girlfriend, God, Kings, Owned

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Cares, Die, Kids, Know, Months, Who Cares
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