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Anthony Jeselnik Biography

Anthony Jeselnik (/ˈjɛsəlnik/ YES-əl-nik; born December 22, 1978) is an American comedian, writer, actor, and producer. He is known for his dark comedy style, which emphasizes ironic misdirection, non sequiturs, biting insults, an arrogant demeanour, and a stage persona that frequently takes amoral stances.

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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Comedian, Funny, Seeing, Think, Thinking

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Ask, Dad, Lying, Number, Sorry

I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.

Blind, Burn, Dating, Disaster, Let, Night

Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.

Brady, Remember You, Remembers You, Uppity, Wayne, Years

I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.

Face, Faces, Internet, Stuff, Threatened

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player.

Choose, Player, Playing, Roulette, Uncles

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

Baby, Banging, Guy, Think, Thinking, Wife

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

Firsts, Improves, Know, Show, Tv Shows, Tvs

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

Complaining, Complains, Girlfriend, Neighbor, Sex, Used

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

Creepy, Looks, Raped, Seth, Uncle, Uncles

Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

Actually, Christ, Jew, Kings, Larry

I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled.

Irony, Tattoo, Want, Word

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

Past, People, Sarah, Voice

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

Hate, Like, People, Think, Thinking

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Girlfriend, Man, Men, Relationship, Want

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Candle, Love, Play, Royal Wedding, Wedding, Wind

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

Hecklers, Material, People, Polite, Show, Thinking

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

Comedian, Comedy, Stuff, Want, Write, Writing

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

Accidentally, Funny, Humor, Kids, Saw, Yesterday

I'm very arrogant and mean. I'm almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

Arrogant, Bad, Guy, Mean, Wrestler

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