Don't be evil- apparently people like it better than "Be good".
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something. "
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to. Who wants to ?'
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. . . . I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.
I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy". . . My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family. " Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
I'm not trying to become popular.
On stage, I am in the dark.
Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence.
It's so easy to begin to demonize someone you think is so far removed and as the demonization begins to expand, it ends up being everybody but your friends. After a while everybody else but you. That is a slippery slope that is so easy to slide down, and that's what is dangerous.