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It is in the nature of imperialism that citizens of the imperial power are always among the last to know-or care-about circumstances in the colonies.

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Demetri Martin

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Machines, Numbers, Run, Running, Stand, Types
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Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Interesting, Magnet, Magnets, Refrigerator, Refrigerators

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude. ' 'Dude, these are isotopes. ' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine. ' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies. '

Funny, Homies, Humor, Im Sorry, Nobel, Removed

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Funny, Garbage, Garbage Disposal, Humor, Screwed, Turns

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left. '

Carnegie, House, Practice, Take, Wish

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

Cardboard, Essentially, Home, Machines, Sharpie, Speed
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