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If I seem to wander, if I seem to stray, remember that true stories seldom take the straightest way

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Daniel Tosh

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

English, Funny, God, Humor, Point, Speak English
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I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'. . . If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Boxer, Gosh, Hurt, Know, Mom, Sports

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Likes, Puppets, Sock

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

Bathroom, Bathrooms, Gay, Girl, Zero

I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

Charger, Iphone, Jobs, Long

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

Dies, Life, Screws, Virgins
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