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Nothing hurts more than realizing they meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to them.

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Elayne Boosler

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Covered, Dog, Fashion, Life, Philosophy
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I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Alone, Humorous, Leave, Men, Relationship

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. '

Funny, Humor, Kill, Military, Walk, Women

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

Comics, Long, Page, Pages, Years

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

Baby, Funny Inspirational, Giving, People, Pool, Water

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Figure, Funny, Hilarious, Life, Stands, Three
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