Christopher Julius Rock III (born February 7, 1965) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
I'm happy if everybody else is. I'm a big brother, the oldest. If you're happy and I'm not, I'm cool with that. If I'm happy and you're not, I'm sad.
Men are only as unfaithful as their options.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.
People basically aren't that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he's gonna come see me. He's not gonna go see the white guy who doesn't make him laugh just because that guy is white.
The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
If poor people knew how rich rich people are, there would be riots in the streets.
Men are handicapped when it comes to arguing, 'cause we have a need to make sense.
If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.
My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.
I can't even put gas in my plane!
You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.
Are they real fires? Or are people just reacting to something? Just because there’s an alarm going doesn’t mean it’s a fire. And I think that people are confusing the two. It’s only a fire when it offends the fans, and the fans turn on you. Tosh has fans, and they get the joke. If you’ve watched enough Tracy Morgan, you let the worst thing go by. When did Tracy Morgan become Walter Cronkite? You have to mean something to me to offend me. You can’t break up with me if we don’t date.
Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.
In the world of animation, you can be anything you wanna be. If you’re a fat woman, you can play a skinny princess. If you’re short wimpy guy, you can play a tall gladiator. If you’re a white man, you can play an Arabian prince. And if you’re a black man, you can play a donkey or a zebra.
Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.