Christopher Julius Rock III (born February 7, 1965) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director.
I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.
Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.
The only plan I have is to not do anything I don't want to do - and to never work just for money.
The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.
Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
I can't even put gas in my plane!
The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.
The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.
WHEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU'RE NOT MEETING THEM. YOU'RE MEETING THEIR REPRESENTATIVE.
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1. 50. You can furnish your whole house for $10. 95.
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.
Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.
I believe you have my property!
You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
Here's the thing. When we talk about race relations in America or racial progress, it's all nonsense. There are no race relations. White people were crazy. Now they're not as crazy. To say that black people have made progress would be to say they deserve what happened to them before.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.