I just give lip service to being the greatest. He was the greatest.
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. . . It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.
I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.
You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes. " That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.
What I've realized in the last year, 80% of my act has already happened to me, and it's not until you retell the story at a party or to a friend or it comes up on the podcast that you, I don't know why I'm not doing that onstage!
You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.
I'm telling you, I could teach at a university, [George] Carlin, a whole semester. The construction and deconstruction of the words, the language, the order.
Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.
Memory is a great artist. For every man and for every woman it makes the recollection of his or her life a work of art and an unfaithful record.
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentleman.
Nothing is far from God.