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One doesn't recognize the really important moments in one's life until it's too late.

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Rodney Dangerfield

If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half!

Half, Hour, Hours, Things, Week
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty, Crazy, Funny, Okay, Told

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Dead, Dog, Play, Roll, Wife

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Finger, Know, Mouths, Sticks, Ugly

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Funny, Kid, Moved, Moving, Parents, Pregnancy

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Cook, Dental Floss, Floss, Kitchen, Roaches, Wife
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