I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to. Who wants to ?'
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. . . . I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.
I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy". . . My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family. " Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
The two questions that anyone ever asks me are: 'Are house prices going to go down?' and 'Is it a good time to fix my mortgage rate?'
I think. . . I said things to Silas. He'll be angry. ' 'If he didn't care about you, you couldn't upset him,' was all she said.
The biggest difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people are willing to do what unsuccessful people are not.
Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. . . It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.