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Many persons are always kept poor, because they are too visionary. Every project looks to them like certain successes, and therefore they keep changing from one business to another, always in hot water, always ‘under the harrow’.

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Anthony Jeselnik

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

Darkness, Littles, Smoother, Thinking, Trade
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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Explain, Fun, People, Retarded, Say

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

Cry, Girlfriend, Haircut, Upset

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

Clothe, Day, Funny, Humor, School

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

Bird, Cool, Girlfriend, God, Kings, Owned

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

Cares, Die, Kids, Know, Months, Who Cares
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