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For instance, if you come at four in the afternoon, I'll begin to be happy by three. The closer it gets to four, the happier I'll feel. By four I'll be excited and worried; I'll discover what it costs to be happy! But if you come at any od time, I'll never know when I should prepare my heart. . . There must be rites.

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Joan Rivers

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath. ' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

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I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep. '.

Birth, Daughter, Mother, Say, Sleep, Tell
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