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It may sound terrible, but I often say that the military saved me from a conventional life in the United States and I've never really thanked them for it, because I haven't exactly been pro-military in my work.

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Joan Rivers

With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.

Age, Boobs, Feminine, Memorable, Needs, Wisdom
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Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Card, Dress, Hands, Library, Looking, Men

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

Ak 47, Care, Earrings, Fashion, Sense, Suits

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Buy, Hilarious, Pay, Plastic, Sailing

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep. '.

Birth, Daughter, Mother, Say, Sleep, Tell

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe. '

Dating, Marry, Mom, Mother, Transvestite
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