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Life never ceases. Life is an overflowing source, and death is only an obscure effect of illusions.

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Iliza Shlesinger

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

Able, Comic, Feels, Girl, World
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You can't go to the bathroom alone. . . you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

Alone, Bathroom, Girl, Might, Name, Names

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

Passion, Work Out, Way, Work, Everything

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Care, Groups, Hung, People, Thinking, Witches

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

Amigo, French, Gay, Growing Up, School, Texas

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Tunnels, Giving, Fries, Salty, Tunnel
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