Top Iliza Shlesinger Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Iliza Shlesinger Biography

Iliza Shlesinger

Iliza Vie Shlesinger (/ˈʃlɛsɪŋɡər/; born February 22, 1983) is an American comedian. She was the 2008 winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing and went on to host the syndicated dating show Excused and the TBS comedy/game show Separation Anxiety. She hosts a late-night talk show called Truth & Iliza on Freeform.

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Iliza Shlesinger Quotes

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

Girl, Games, Bars, Bar, Ask

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

Death, Dirty, Door, Doors, Honesty, Poor

I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

Amigo, French, Gay, Growing Up, School, Texas

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

Dad, Eye, Giving, Intimidate, Mom, Supposed

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

Comedy, Personal, Strong, Topics

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

Greed, Real, Room, Sex, Watched

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

Come, Convey, Down, Ideas, Trying, Writing

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer. ' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

July, Said, Think, Thinking, War

If I could have any job I would be a cat. . . but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

Jobs, Cat, Would Be, Public, Job

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold. ' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

Cause, Fact, Mean, New York, Penguin, Snow

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

Annoying, Beautiful, General, Hate, Men, Women

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Tunnels, Giving, Fries, Salty, Tunnel

We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but. . . This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

Crowds, Fun, Mean, Say, Set, Work

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

Differences, Joke, Know, Rocks, World

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Care, Groups, Hung, People, Thinking, Witches