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There is neither a cure for nor a way to repair autism. There is no implant like there is for the deaf.

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Richard Jeni

Easiest job you could ever have. . . whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Chair, Chairs, Create, Doubt, Jobs, Reasonable
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A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

America, Hypocrite, Liberal, Speech, Unless, Yoga

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Dream, Life, May, Nightmare, Nightmares, True

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Charles, Differences, Looks, Manson, Nut, Nuts

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Gay, Hypocrite, Idea, Panda, Running

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Day, Each Day, Lasts, Life, Live
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