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Richard Jeni Biography

Richard John Colangelo (April 14, 1957 – March 10, 2007), better known by the stage name of Richard Jeni, was an American stand-up comedian and actor.

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Richard Jeni Quotes

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Day, Each Day, Lasts, Life, Live

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Country, Death, Divorce, Fact, Marriage, Sad

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Kids, Sports, Team, Wins

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Dream, Life, May, Nightmare, Nightmares, True

Easiest job you could ever have. . . whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Chair, Chairs, Create, Doubt, Jobs, Reasonable

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Divorce, Looks, Fifty, Per, Look

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

Care, Children, Farting, Like, Problem

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Firsts, Half, Life, Making, Our Lives, Spend

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

America, Hypocrite, Liberal, Speech, Unless, Yoga

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Charles, Differences, Looks, Manson, Nut, Nuts

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans. . . weighs as much as the other two.

Epidemic, Epidemics, Obesity, Obesity Epidemic, Three, Two

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is. . . zero.

Acceptable, Fecal, Levels, Matter, Zero

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Broke, Happens, Jackson, Michael

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Fighting, Flying, Hindenburg, Life, Window

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Friend, Imaginary, Killing Each Other, Religious, Simplest, War

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

Purpose, Cloning, Illegal, Certain, Assholes

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Birth, Birth Control, Control, Gun, Needs

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

Fight, Fighting, Imaginary, Imaginary Friend, Religion, War

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Ugly, Los Angeles, Ifs, Thought, Come

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Football, People, Political, Surprise, Team, Turned

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Richard Jeni Biography

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