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My family had a habit of collecting creatures that didn't always want to be pets. The first animal I can remember was a Lab named Zoe.

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Christopher Titus

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

Bar, Bars, Bet, Bucks, Dysfunctional, Guy
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The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Five, Honor, Liars, Please, Thing, Wife

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

Car, Groups, Photo, Rolling, Ugly

The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo!

Against, Dad, Good Night, Light, Rage, Thomas

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again. . . that's exciting.

Crazy, Dating, Kevlar, Night, Relationship

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

Philosophical, Philosophy, Pissed, Pissed Off, Remember, Whenever
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