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Christopher Titus Biography

Christopher Titus

Christopher Todd Titus (born October 1, 1964) is an American comedian and actor. He grew up in Newark, California. Titus came to national attention with the eponymous FOX show Titus, of which he was the star, executive producer and co-creator. Time called the show "brutal, hilarious and audacious", while Newsday called him "TV's most original comic voice since Seinfeld". He is also a stand-up comedian whose act revolves around his dysfunctional family and shocking life experiences.

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Christopher Titus Quotes

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. Every woman in here got intimidated by a guy, pushed around too much, now you're new boyfriend tickles you a little too hard, boom restraining order. Every guy here had a woman sleep with his best friend, now your new girlfriend hugs your cousin a little long, boom car bomb.

Car, Cousin, Girlfriend, Hard, Hugs, Sex

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that.

Beautiful, Brilliant, Husband, Killed, Mom

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated.

British, Couple, Dad, George, Moving, Titus

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

Clint, Eastwood, Moisturize, Needs

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

Bathtub, Hangover, Man, Men, Year, Years

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

Grandma, Grandpa, Kicked, Memories, Slept, Woman

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

Example, God, Japan, Laugh, Laughing, Perfect

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Battle, Dad, Live, Mom, Won

For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Failure, Hurdle, Success, Success Failure

If you want to do something dangerous. . . Don't tell your girlfriend!

Danger, Dangerous, Girlfriend, Tell, Want

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can't get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it's not torture.

Call, Eggs, Fraternity, Guy, Head, Jumping

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Accept, Causes, Crowd, Crowds, Leader, Screw

Sisters ruin everything. It's in their job description.

Description, Job, Jobs, Ruin, Ruins, Sisters

I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he did? He made everybody else without dreams feel real bad.

Dream, Kings, Know, Martin, Real

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Lying, Person, Powerful, Secret, Secrets

In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

Fathers, Fathers Day, Nice, Normal, Party

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

Dad, Denial, Hurt, Matter, Powerful

Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser.

Brother, Character, Hate, Know, Show, Worry

Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Pope, Pope John Paul, John Paul, Die, John

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

Available, Currently, Junk, Presidential, Thinking, Tweeted

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