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Practice self-discipline and keep emotions under control. Good judgment and common sense are essential.

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Richard Jeni

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Doorway, Sex, Sleep, Wearing, Wind, Winning
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A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

America, Hypocrite, Liberal, Speech, Unless, Yoga

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Dream, Life, May, Nightmare, Nightmares, True

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Charles, Differences, Looks, Manson, Nut, Nuts

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Gay, Hypocrite, Idea, Panda, Running

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Day, Each Day, Lasts, Life, Live
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