So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I … - Tim Vine

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Of all the animals which fly in the air, walk on the land, or swim in the sea, from Paris to Peru, from Japan to Rome, the most foolish animal in my opinion is man.

Tim Vine

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything. "

Audition, Funny, Giving, Humor, Opened, Promising

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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me. "

Came, Funny, Humor, Policeman, Said, Vines

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one. ' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes. '

Funny, Humor, Ice Cream, Said, Shop, Start

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris. ' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. ' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Funny, Humor, Martin, Paris, Said, Train

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Exit, Funny, Humor, People, Signs, Way

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Complaint, Funny, Humor, Onions, Pickled, Supermarket