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A man's minor actions and arrangements ought to be free, flexible, creative; the things that should be unchangeable are his principles, his ideals. But with us the reverse is true; our views change constantly; but our lunch does not change. Now, I should like men to have strong and rooted conceptions, but as for their lunch, let them have it sometimes in the garden, sometimes in bed, sometimes on the roof, sometimes in the top of a tree. Let them argue from the same first principles, but let them do it in a bed, or a boat, or a balloon.

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Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me. "

Came, Funny, Humor, Policeman, Said, Vines
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one. ' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes. '

Funny, Humor, Ice Cream, Said, Shop, Start

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris. ' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. ' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Funny, Humor, Martin, Paris, Said, Train

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Exit, Funny, Humor, People, Signs, Way

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Complaint, Funny, Humor, Onions, Pickled, Supermarket

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Compulsively, Ifs, Paronomasiac, Pun
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