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My wit is sharper then the finest mustache, and when I walk among men I make truths ring like spurs.

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Brian P. Cleary

There’s no such thing as free kittens.

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When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.

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Any cupcake consumed before 9AM is, technically, a muffin.

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Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.

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It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

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It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).

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