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It feels great to not be the acne-ridden outsider that I felt like when I was in high school. It's a lot more fun being alive now than it was then, I'll say that much.

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Chelsea Handler

Tara Reid is charging $3,500 for a personal appearance fee. So, for only $3,500 you can either buy a 1998 Jetta with 130,000 miles on it. . . or Tara Reid, who only has 98,000 miles on her.

Appearance, Buy, Fees, Jetta, Miles, Reid
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A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

Camel, Camels, Israel, Say, Topless, Trying

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Benefit, Funny, Human, Jobs, Mother, Sole

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Anally, Care, Contraception, Funny, Humor

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

Being Bullied, Bullied, Knows, Looks, Size

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

Baby, Figure, People, Pregnancy, Rest, Three
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