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when I was four I almost fell down the shaft of a tin mine and when I was five the car rolled over on the motorway and when I was seven we went on holiday and the gas ring blew out in the caravan and nobody noticed I've been dying all my life

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George Burns

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Clever, Drink, Drinking, Drunk, Remember, Trouble
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If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Avoiding, Funny, Humor, Longevity, Stress, Worry

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places. ' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage. . . When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

Down, Good, Kids, Think, Thinking, Years

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Hill, Hills, Over The Hill, Under

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Cards, Couple, Marriage, Plays, Together, Wedding

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

Evil, Stink, Talent, Vaudeville
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