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Kill the pig! Cut his throat! Kill the pig! Bash him in!

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Hannibal Buress

When somebody mangles one of my jokes, that bothers me more than somebody saying that I'm the worst comedian ever.

Bother, Comedian, Jokes, Saying, Somebody, Worst
Same Author Quotes

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant. . . because I believe in myself.

Believe, Funny, Lap, Napkin, Restaurant, Use

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time. " Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

Graduation, People, Rough, Taking, Time, Works

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

Burritos, Jesus, Like, Real, Steak

Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door. And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors-and we just go around and around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.

Benny, Doors, Driver, Funny, Side, Winning

Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a goddamn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand
eye coordination.

Art, Baby, Cause, Confidence, Food, Hannibal
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