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One does not need buildings, money, power, or status to practice the Art of Peace. Heaven is right where you are standing, and that is the place to train.

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Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Doubt, Funny, Humor, Maybe, Show
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It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Funny, Good, Humor, Show, Vegetarian, Vegetarianism

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Contentment, Happiness, Knowing, Knowing Someone, Right, Wrong

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Blokes, Littles, Stupid, Three, Unfolds, Whole

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Bafflingly, Confused, Eight, Funny, Paralyzing, Philosophical

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Couple, Hand, Hands, Way
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