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I always, always meant to be on stage. I only ended up even auditioning for television and movies because I was understudying a Turgenev play on Broadway and was so broke that, when I got a mini-series, I had to take it and was so ashamed because I was such a snob.

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Robert Schimmel

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish. "

Bull, Dog, Funny, Pit, Pits, Visit
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A lot of weird ads. Sally Struthers with that little kid: 'Just 55 cents, the price of a cup of coffee, feeds this kid and his family for a week. ' Yeah, where is that? 'Cause I wanna move there.

Coffee, Family, Feeds, Kids, Move, Moving

How do blind people know when they're done wiping their ass?

Blind, Done, Know, People

If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

Car, Collisions, Eight, Hours, Movie, School

My mom told me when I was younger that when you jack off all of your dead relatives are watching. But then I figured who were they going to tell.

Figured, Mom, My Mom, Watching, Younger

It's my mission to try and give people fighting the disease the same gifts of laughter and a positive attitude I had. Hopefully, my career as a comic will give me the forum to touch these people.

Attitude, Fighting, Gifts, Laughter
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