It is better to light one small candle of gratitude than to curse the darkness.
I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?
Slavery is the great and foul stain upon the North American Union.
No one really has the power, and everybody's trying to get through the day, and everybody's nervous and desperate.
A character I would love to play is Iago, from Othello.
Nature is a tinkerer, not an inventor.