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My parents signed me up for classical guitar lessons, which made for two years of the most depressing Wednesday evenings.

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Jim Norton

People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.

Inappropriate, Laughing, People, Thinking, Times, Worried
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While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

Cocktail, Dining, Forgiveness, Funny, Humorous, Room

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

Children, Friends, Funny, Genital, Liquified, Running

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

Darkness, Deeper, Needs, People, Surrounded

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

Cat, Creepy, Floor, Guy, House, Look

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

Embarrassed, People, Society, Things, Want
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