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I cry at the end of every episode of "Girls. " I'm just so overwhelmed by the truthfulness with which [Lena Dunham] conveys human nature.

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Craig Ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Alcohol, Beer, Close, Cocaine, Tequila
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Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Birth, Trump, Vaccinations, Want, Who Cares

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs. ' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

House, Needs, Rating, Sign, Think, Thinking

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

Country, Health, Limbaugh, Passed, Upset, Years

I don't know how much of a natural human I am. Y'know, the truth is, I never set out to do that, and I don't think of myself like that. I don't think like that. It's not really about promotion - I don't really understand the idea of promotion, talking to a camera for more money. That's just money. And I like money, don't get me wrong. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand it as much as you don't understand me, I think.

Know, Natural, Promotion, Thinking, Truth Is, Understand

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

Greeted, Make, Morning, Paris, Transaction, Weather
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