Pete Rose is the most likable arrogant person I've ever met.
I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it. . . do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.
I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.
Nationalism is the measels of mankind.
The Lord's Prayer reminds us that God longs for His people to communicate with Him, not just in church on Sunday, but wherever we are and whatever our need.
I was born in the 50s, my mom was pregnant in the 50s, [Frank] Sinatra had that big come back around then, From Here to Eternity.
I really believe my greatest service is in the many unwise steps I prevent.