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I don't want to get into autobiographies, I don't want to talk about myself.

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Bill Engvall

God was havin' himself a good day when he made boobs. He must've stepped back from Eve and said, Yes ma'am! Those'll work.

Good Day, Havin, Made, Said, Yes
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

Farted, Hard, Shivered

God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.

Daughter, Growing Up, Helping, Men, Said, Winnie

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

Achieve, Audience, Feelings, Looks, See, World

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass. . . but you just pushed my jackass button.

Button, Funny, Humor, Lady, Morning, Wanting

Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey. . . " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Dad, Said, Son, Yesterday
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