Clearly, unless the Lord chooses to explain Himself to us, which often He does not, His motivation and purposes are beyond the reach of mortal man. What this means in practical terms is that many of our questions - especially those that begin with the word 'why' - will have to remain unanswered for the time being.
I don't really feel much more confident than I did the last couple years. I've always felt like I have a pretty good knuckleball. I worked hard to do that. ?