One of the surest ways to enrich life is to make experiences less fleeting.
I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.
You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?
Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?
Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.
I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.
We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.
Did you know I dream about your hair? I use to say it was the color of the sun at sunset, but I'm wrong. It's brighter than the sun, just as you are.
You make it all sound so simple. Run your guts out. . . collapse at the finish, throw up, that makes a good runner. Sounds like you regret not being more like Prefontaine. . . . Everyone gripes to me that American marathoners are 'lazy-no-good-for-nothings'. My point is, many people have criticisms, but few have valid answers. I'd like to know what happened to the guys that kicked my ass in high school.
You were the best birthday present I ever got. " "Thank you. " "I wanted to give you something back, but I've got to warn you that it's not half as good as my present. Even so, you have to keep it. " "All right. " He draped the pink bow around his neck and grinned. "Happy birthday, Rosebud.
My God, don't shoot !