Top Alonzo Bodden Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Alonzo Bodden Biography

Alonzo Bodden (/əˈlɒnzoʊ ˈboʊdən/; born June 13, 1962) is an American comedian and actor known for winning the grand prize in the third season of the reality-television series Last Comic Standing. He had been the runner-up in the previous season.

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Alonzo Bodden Quotes

I could always make people laugh.

Laugh, Laughing, Make, Making People Laugh, People

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years. . . it's called cash.

Cash, Scientists, Trying, Viagra, Women, Years

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

Focus, Hurt, Joke, Laugh, Laughing, See

Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.

Airplane, Black, People, Plane

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

Everybody, Fun, Idiot, Shoes, Wait, Waiting

There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.

Fortunate, Freedom, Giving, Goal, Living, Names

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

Airplane, Attitude, Hijack, Men, Tweezers

I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of. . . listen. . . I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.

Gay, Guy, Gym, Men, Muscle, Strong

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

Black, Good, Good Old Days, Old, Old Days

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

Asian, Car, Men, Right, Saw, Time

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

Comic, Honest, Used, Work

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah. ' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

Duvet, Duvets, Ideas, Idiot, Thinking, Treating

There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!

Hate, Hates, Kids, Kill, Run, Running

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Airplane, Elementary, School, Shut, Wish

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.

Communicate, Fake, Listening, Mean, Relationship, Talk

The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.

Chrome, Differences, Iii, People, Safety, Skills

I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.

Couple, Fun, Circles, See, Driving

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

Burning Down, Claims, Company, Fantasies, Fantasy, Make

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Boat, Climbed, Good, Side, Sides

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

Home, Jewelry, Like, Show, Stuff

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