The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up. . . until the … - Jeff Foxworthy

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Whereas formerly, before the advent of machinery, the commonest article you could pick up had a life and warmth which gave it individual interest, now everything is turned out to such a perfection of deadness that one is driven to pick up and collect, in sheer desperation, the commonest rubbish still surviving from the earlier periods.

Jeff Foxworthy

The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up. . . until the day you got the security deposit back. You're arguing with the landlord. . . 'No sir, the back door was missing when we moved in here! The pizzas were always on the ceiling!'

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A lot of people up North, they think everybody from the South is married to their sister and has seen a UFO. I told them, 'I'm just dating my sister and couldn't swear that it wasn't a weather balloon. '

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Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

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If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty. '

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