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Fixing our thoughts on Jesus requires time, for true reflection cannot happen with a glance. No one can see the beauty of the country if he hurries through it on the interstate.

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Jeff Ross

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I'm worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I'm a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

Black, Hundreds, People, Rushing, Volunteer
Same Author Quotes

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Life, Life Is Short, Moving, Pain, Short

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Cops, Dude, Groups, People, Privileged, White

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Apologizing, Funny, Joke, Observation, Probably, Want

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

Bad, Bad Grades, Funny, Like, Sports, Wells

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Cop, Everybody, Expletive, People, Racist
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