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I wasn't a kid growing up thinking, 'One day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech. ' That wasn't on my mind.

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Brad Wilkerson

Light up a spliff and hit the strip club.

Club, Clubs, Hit, Light, Light Up
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As an enlisted sailor, I don't feel that the Navy is advancing me in rank fast enough, so I'm going to change my last name to Stains. My guess is they would rather promote me than to have to refer to me as Seaman Stains.

Advancing, Enlisted, Names, Navy, Promote, Sex

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I find it's often in huge tits, too.

Beauty, Beholder, Eye, Huge, Men, Tits

They say that dog is man's best friend, and I think it's true. My dog does a lot of the same stuff my best friend does, like drool on my couch, mooch my food and hump my wife.

Dog, Men, Sex, Think, True, Wife

Sure, companies say they're sensitive to their employees' cultural heritages, but show up on casual Friday wearing a necklace made from the ears of your vanquished enemies and all hell breaks loose.

Casual, Companies, Enemy, Friday, Heritage, Sensitive

Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak.

Big, Cheap, Like, Sex, Ugly, Wine
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