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What you get will never make you happy; who you become will make you very happy or very sad.

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Peter Sagal

If we had known there was biting in soccer, we would have started watching years ago.

Biting, Known, Soccer, Watching, Years
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If the internet has taught us anything, it's that you want less news and more cats.

Cat, Cats, News, Taught, Taught Us

A wedding invitation is a gift subpoena.

Invitation, Invitations, Subpoena, Subpoenas, Wedding, Wedding Invitation

Scientists have determined that the most irritating sound to the human ear is the sound of a knife cutting a glass bottle. And the second-worst sound is a fork scratching a glass bottle. Evidently they did all their research at the Picnic for Morons.

Bottle, Cutting, Funny, Human, Morons, Science

Ben & Jerry's ice cream will try to make some marijuana ice cream, resulting in thousands of people simultaneously getting and curing ice cream headaches.

Cream, Ice Cream, Make, Marijuana, People, Simultaneously

NASA scientists announced the discovery of 50 new planets, among them what they're calling Super Earth. It's indistinguishable from regular earth until it removes its glasses.

Funny, Glasses, Indistinguishable, Nasa, Science
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