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If I hadn't been President of the United States, I probably would have ended up a piano player in a bawdy house.

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Jasper Carrott

I have to confess here that I am a useless cook.

Useless, Cooks, Cook, Confess
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Laughter is the best medicine - unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.

Diabetic, Happiness, Laughter, List, Medicine, Pretty

Ringo isn't the best drummer in the world. He isn't even the best drummer in the Beatles

Beatles, Drummer, Ringo, World

They put up this bloke's picture on Crimewatch UK with a phone number and said 'Have you seen this man?' Well my auntie rang them up and said 'No'.

Men, Phones, Numbers, Phone, Crimewatch, Number

I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for.

Music, Media, Radio, Absolute, Amazed

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.

Dog, Funny, Happens, Male, People, Thinking
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